Zane Lowe Home Taping Tour 20/11/08

The BNP membership list was leaked a little while ago, and despite being fairly dull overall, with not one premiership footballer or archbishop signed up, there was one name which caught my attention. My name.

Nestled snugly amongst the Nazis and mentally incapacitated simpletons was a Mr John Horner.

That was rather freaky. Luckily this impostor lives far away, in Glasgow, and I’m pretty sure we aren’t actually related. I’m currently considering suing him for defamation.

Here’s a fun fact for everyone. You know Mark Collett, the BNP guy who was charged, alongside the charming Nick Griffin, with inciting racial hatred a little while ago? He went to Leeds Uni. He got a 2.2 in economics. I hope your bosom is swollen with pride, mine certainly is.

Russell Brand made a program about him a few years ago, an episode of his show Re:Brand called ‘Nazi boy’. This was back in the days when Brand made a habit of taking industrial quantities of heroin (I’m not sure exactly which industries require heroin), dressing like he’s on his way to a boy band audition, and making good TV. In the Re:Brand episode ‘Wanky wanky’ he tugs off a stranger in a pub toilet, with hilarious consequences!

At the time Collett was the head of the Young BNP (hereafter referred to as the Hitler Youth). He revealed himself to be quite the arsehole, bringing out the classy phrase ‘Aids monkeys’ and almost crying after two nice chaps at in the Original Oak suggested it might not be the best idea to be completely racist. He’s also, adorably, a fairly blatant closeted gayer.

The BNP don’t quite know what to think about Zane Lowe. On the one hand he is lovely and white, and they’re all for that. But on the other hand, he’s a foreigner (or “UNCLEAN!!!!!” as I believe they’re referred to within the party) from New Zealand, the land of sheep and rings. Also, his radio show often features uppity negroes, joyous homosexuals and assorted other people who aren’t quite the same as everyone else. This just won’t do.

For me, Zane has acted a bit like a gateway drug. Back when I was a poor unfortunate A level doing fool I listened to his show most nights while I was supposed to be working. During those heady evenings I was introduced to countless artists I’ve grown to love, and only a few I pretend I was never into. DJ Format, Gogol Bordello, the Arctic Monkeys, Pendulum, Gnarls Barkley and so many more. I was presented with new and exciting genres of music which filled my head with glorious confusion and my dancing feet with animalistic joy. Like a toddler enjoying his first delicious puff of marijuana I wanted more. Since then I have slipped into a blissfully sedated coma of good music, from which I hope to never be roused.

The Zipper was Djing in Amnesia in Ibiza a while ago and Kate Moss was in the crowd. Croydon’s finest decided it would be a glorious demonstration of the fragility of human nature and the ultimate futility of the pursuit of celebrity (or she just wanted some attention or something) if she was to go and dance in the DJ booth with Zane. Hilariously, Zane was having none of it and had security chuck her out.

It was probably for her own good. A Zane Lowe DJ set is a constant blur of activity, like a 10 year old who’s had one too many blue Smarties. He tore around his two CD decks, one DVD deck and mission control size mixer with wild abandon, barely pausing during his set. His set was exactly what you’d expect if you’ve ever heard his show or seen him on TV - music from across all genres with a uniting theme of ‘you can dance to it’ mixed and scratched (yes, scratched!) faster than a really fast thing being chased down a steep hill by something equally fast (and scary).

In conclusion, very good job Zane. One gold star.