The world seems to have gone a bit mad lately. First a few silly boys spoiled capitalism for everyone and now priests have taken to kicking the shit out of each other at the place Jesus got crucified. Less of a surprise is the revelation that the Queen Mother was a massive racist. She decided that Europe as a concept would never catch on. In her words “It will never work with all those Huns, wops and dagos.” Such effortless class.
The reason for all this madness is fairly obvious, and predictably it came from the good old U S of motherfuckin’ A. A little while ago Fox had a show called ‘Gimme My Reality Show’. It featured Cindy Brady, an American Idol loser and that lady with the boobs who was on Baywatch and Celebrity Big Brother. It is a reality show where the big prize is ... A reality show. As a result of this program existing the world began to consume itself. Essentially this show crossed the streams, but instead of getting rid of the scary giant marshmallow guy, everything just started going horribly wrong.
Anyways, I have a theory, and it’s conspiracy flavoured. I reckon the whole Obama thing is a big plot by white supremacists to make sure there’s a black guy at the wheel when the world slams into the thirteenth pillar in that tunnel in Paris. Think of him as a sort of political Henri Paul. So when the world does inevitably implode, all these smug racists will be saying ‘See? We told you they couldn’t be trusted, but you wanted emancipation. WELL NOW LOOK WHAT ONE OF THEM’S DONE. I hope you’re happy.’ And the Queen Mother was right all along.
Before the world goes completely I Am Legend on us, I strongly recommend you go to Mystic Brew. I went the other day and had a lovely time. Like the witches from Macbeth, every month three of Leeds’ most magical parties combine to brew up a vicious broth which they ladle out to an unsuspecting public. New Bohemia, Asylum and Hang The DJ unite in their pursuit of a shenanigan or two and, above all, a jolly good shindig.
They’ve managed to get their hands on a perfect venue as well. All secretive and out of the way, upstairs in Smokestack is like a tree house, if Jim Morrison was a tree house designer. It’s quite small and long and has a bar where you can buy ‘Mystic brew’. Downstairs is worth a peek at some point, they’ve got classic records stuck on the wall and nice sofas. Also, it was a Saturday night in Leeds city centre, yet there was not one drunken yob who wanted to kill everyone.
So the pedigree residents brought things to the boil before standing back to let the head chef work is magic. Tonight’s gastronome was Matthew Chicoine, better known as Recloose, a Detroit native who somehow found his way to New Zealand, where the natives took to him like the British public take to the mediocre turds squeezed out by Simon Cowell et al. His latest album ‘Perfect Timing’ was the best electronica/dance album at the 2008 New Zealand Music Awards.
He and the residents played the sort of music that you didn’t know was an option - if you knew this music existed, you’d have it and it would be your favourite. Think soul, funk, house, hip hop and more wrapped in tasty disco pastry.
“When shall we three meet again, in thunder lightning or rain?” “When the hurly-burly’s done and the battle’s lost and won” “That will be ere the set of sun”. Or more specifically, in December, when the Mystic Brew will be mixed up once more. You should go. You’d like it.